108
#
There's no future in time travel.
#
"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."

Joe Walsh
#
"It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one."

Phil White
#
"One planet is all you get."
#
"Do you smell something burning or is it me?"

Joan of Arc
#
"In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain."

Pliny the Elder
#
Hlade's Law:
"If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --
they will find an easier way to do it."
#
"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!"
#
"People will buy anything that's one to a customer."
#
"All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed."

Sean O'Casey
#
"To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk."

Thomas Edison
#
Conversation, n.:
A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.
#
"Share what you know. Learn what you don't."
#
"May you live all the days of your life."

Swift
#
"Writing about music is like dancing about architecture."

Frank Zappa
#
"This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?"
#
"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."

Johnny Carson
#
Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
#
program, n.:
A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages.
#
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
#
"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."

Arthur C. Clarke
#
Barth's Distinction:

"There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't."
#
"Vulcans believe peace should not depend on force."

Amanda, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.3
#
"Why use Windows, since there is a door?"

Andre Fachat
#
"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on."

Churchill
#
"War is the last act of a failure in communication and respect."

Justin Leiber (in "Beyond Humanity")
#
Aphorism, n.:
  A concise, clever statement.

Afterism, n.:
  A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.

James Alexander Thom
#
"Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes."

Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
#
Dentist, n.:
A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets.

Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
#
"How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?"
#
"The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance."

Robert R. Coveyou
#
"Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?"
#
"Well done is better than well said."

Ben Franklin
#
"God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter."
#
"One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others."
#
"That place is so crowded, nobody goes there anymore."

Yogi Berra
#
"A new consciousness is developing which recognizes that we are one species. Our loyalties are to the species and the planet."

Carl Sagan
#
"Today is yesterday's tomorrow."
#
"Carpe picosecundam"

Jean-Pierre Cahier
#
"Anyone who can only think of one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination."

Mark Twain
#
"On a baby's bib: Spit happens."
#
"I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!"

Steven Wright
#
"These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make."

Steve Martin
#
"Gentlemen! You can't fight in here; this is the war room!"

President Mercan Muffly, from Dr. Strangelove
#
"Avoid tumbling off the cliff of triteness into the black abyss of overused metaphors."
#
"Everyone should be a non-conformist."
#
"Stamp out and eliminate redundancy."
#
"Avoid those abysmally horrible, outrageously repellent exaggerations."
#
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

Murphy's Laws
#
"The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach."

Murphy's Laws
#
"If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods."

Murphy's Laws
#
"When given the choice of two evils, pick the one you've never tried before."
#
"Budget: A method for going broke methodically."
#
"There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't."
#
"If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?"
#
"How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak."

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
#
"Is "tired old cliché" one?"

Steven Wright
#
"(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!"

Steven Wright
#
"When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually."

Steven Wright
#
"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." "

Steven Wright
#
"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."

Steven Wright
#
"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving."

Steven Wright
#
"USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population."

David Letterman
#
"One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet when well oiled."
#
"There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to."
#
"I feel like its a McDonalds world out there and I am wearing the wrong color clown suit."

Nicolas Cage
#
"I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping."

Steven Wright
#
"1. If anything can go wrong, it will."

Murphy's Laws
#
"2. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the first one to go wrong."

Murphy's Laws
#
"3. If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway."

Murphy's Laws
#
"4. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop."

Murphy's Laws
#
"5. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse."

Murphy's Laws
#
"6. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something."

Murphy's Laws
#
"7. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw."

Murphy's Laws
#
"8. Mother nature is a bitch."

Murphy's Laws
#
"Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner."

Calvin Keegan
#
"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."

Henny Youngman
#
"Death before dishonor. But neither before breakfast."
#
"A tautology is a thing which is tautological."
#
"No more phony immortality through time dilation. I'm through chasing around in space."

Orson Scott Card - Xenocide
#
"Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to -"

Mark Twain
#
"If we cannot adjust our differences peacefully we are less than human."

Frank Herbert - Heretics of Dune
#
"Enclosures of any kind are a fertile breeding ground for hatred of outsiders."

Frank Herbert - Chapter House Dune
#
"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent."

Isaac Asimov - Foundation
#
"Your theory is crazy - but not crazy enough to be true."

Niels Bohr
#
"In the beginning was the Word. Then came the fucking word processor. Then came the thought processor. Then came the death of literature. And so it goes."

Dan Simmons
#
"The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken."

Samuel Johnson
#
"To iterate is human, to recurse divine."

L. Peter Deutsch
#
"I run, therefore I am."

Rob Swigart
#
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:

"When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will."
#
If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot's at the other end.

Bert Whitney
#
"It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you."
#
Murphy's Discovery:

"Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to women?  They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in trouble!"
#
O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:

"Murphy was an optimist."
#
Silverman's Law:

"If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will."
#
"There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering."
#
"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means it's going to be up all night."

Steven Wright
#
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time."
#
"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you."
#
"The superfluous is very necessary."

Voltaire
#
"It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious."
#
Naeser's Law:

"You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof."
#
"All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers... Each one owes infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in which he was born."

François Fenelon
#
"Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them."
#
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:

"If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95."
#
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:

"Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop."

Corollary:

"On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes."
#
"Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a faster rat!!!"
#
"Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat."